The living heroic legend that is Barack Obama has already broken the pop-culture record of Baghdad Bob and is now approaching that of Chuck Norris and Vladimir Putin. When even Obama's official campaign is forced to launch a fact-checking website to keep his runaway aura under control, you just know that Obama's public persona has developed a life of its own and is resisting efforts to catch it and put it on Ritalin. We thought that the best way to take control of the situation would be by using Obama's own patented method of hopeful approach to reality. So we built a radically different website: it looks like Obama's fact-checking site, only instead of chasing cowardly facts and arguing old truths that are tarnished and tedious, we invent new,sparkling-clean truths that are exciting and heroic. The beauty of this approach is that when new truths become old and tarnished, they can be easily thrown under the bus and replaced with newer and better heroic truths, ensuring Obama's glorious march towards a higher metaphysical plane of unstoppable service to humankind.
Every now and then, Obama opens his eyes and the world springs into existence.
When a tree falls in the forest, Obama hears it.
Obama can clap with one hand.
Prometheus was punished for plagiarizing Obama.
Obama can make a journey of a thousand miles without a single step.
Socks worn by Obama are used for climbing walls in Spiderman movies.
Hillary Clinton dropped out of the race when she learned Obama's true name.
"Obama" is the very first word in the English language to be
a verb, adjective, noun, pronoun, adverb, interjection, superlative and pronad.
(Pronad is a new category made specifically for the word "Obama" so its power can be fully realized).
When Obama squints dreamily into the distance, he can see next week's lottery winning numbers. But he never plays because that would mean poverty of ambition.
Obama can calculate your guilt just by looking at the numbers in your checkbook.
A microphone into which Obama has spoken, heals asbestos-related disorders and colorectal cancer by direct application.
Every time Obama talks about change, a baby diaper becomes clean and a homeless person's cup fills up with nickels.
Every time Obama talks about "hope," coma patients regain consciousness and chant "We are the ones we've been waiting for."
Obama's famous stare once converted 15 Islamic fundamentalists into secular progressives, all of whom are currently employed by Countrywide Home Loans.
Obama is 50% typical White person.
Obama's real mother was young John Kerry who reproduces asexually when coming into contact with foreign Marxists.
Obama often says "uh" in his speeches in order to irritate Bill O'Rilley who hangs onto his every word.
Obama always overpays his taxes because he believes that the government will find a better use for his money than he ever could.
When Obama rids the world of nuclear weapons, the red button in his office will control the thermostats in American homes.
Obama brings change to the world every time he closes his eyes and imagines that Twin Towers never existed.
After a hearty meal Obama has been known to send off a tiny ripple of hope.
This tiny ripple of hope in Chicago can cause change throughout the world.
When Obama relaxes at home with his family he switches to a British accent.
Obama's wife is a Klingon.
Obama's children are named Child 1 and Child 2 respectively.
Our universe is held together by the force of Michelle Obama's benevolent willpower, but her patience is running thin.
Michelle Obama has saved humanity from destruction many times and is slightly annoyed that we haven't returned the favor.
Monica Lewinsky owns "I Barack for Obama" bumper sticker.
Everything Obama touches begins to vote Democrat.
More dead people voted for Obama than for any other Democrat candidate in the history of Chicago politics.
The tingle that crawled up Chris Matthews' leg has taken control of his brain and is reporting a full preparedness to take over the world.
Obama can make things disappear just like David Copperfield can, but he hates taking things away from the community.
US Mail Service published Obama's resume on a new first class stamp.
In the movies, Obama's part is played by Robert Redford.
Obama can inflate a hot air balloon in one blow. He does it for the children.
Obama used to spell his name as Ubama but changed it to avoid confusion with Usama bin Laden.
When Obama fixes his gaze on the clouds, he is reading his next great line from the big teleprompter in the sky, which is unseen to ordinary humans.
One time the Republicans paid a voodoo priest to reprogram the teleprompter, and then Obama delivered the speech by Massachusetts Gov. Deval Patrick instead of his own. But courageous journalist Bob Woodward uncovered the plot, forcing the Republicans to resign. As a result, Obama became even more popular with the downtrodden who didn't know that it was Gov. Patrick's speech.
Obama wrote "Stairway to Heaven" and many other songs popular among the downtrodden.
Obama's love for the downtrodden heats up the planet's atmosphere by 5.8 degrees Fahrenheit, while his loathing of George W. Bush cools it down by the same amount. That's why the scientists have been unable to detect any significant variations in average global temperatures.
The main point of Al Gore's book "Earth in the Balance" is that a disastrous climate change can be averted if we all help keep Obama emotionally balanced.
Obama visited Benjamin Franklin in a dream and told him how to live his life serving the community, but all that Franklin could remember was, how to fly a kite.
Scientists discovered that a constant repetition of the words "hope" and "change" increases the size of penis in male patients by up to three inches.
Any sentence containing the name "Obama" and ending in a question mark has been determined to be racist. The only exceptions are rhetorical sentences such as "Is there any way that Obama could be more perfect?"
Obama smokes so you don't have to.
Obama's cigarettes have been registered at the EPA as a renewable power source contributing 5,000 Megawatts of electricity to the national power grid every time he takes a draw.
The "smoke" that comes out of Obama's mouth contains rare gases that help replenish the ozone layer and neutralize the industrial pollution.
Obama once downed a Fox News satellite simply by clicking on a universal TV remote in his living room. Obama then reprogrammed the remaining satellites to broadcast reruns of Keith Olbermann's show, thus expanding the consciousness of the average American TV viewer and raising awareness by 19%.
When Obama speaks about universal healthcare, the risk of cardiovascular diseases decreases by 58 percent, and the risk of cancer decreases by 60 percent.
Obama knows that his healthcare plan is going to work because he personally tested it in a leper colony, where he healed everyone by shaking hands and kissing babies.
In Portland, Oregon, Obama fed a multitude of 75 thousand with five government subsidy forms and two rolls of red tape.
An unkind word about Obama's family serves as a passkey to the hottest rings of Hell.
When Obama smiles, somewhere in America a door opens to an abortion clinic.
When Obama claps his hands, a child is born in a Third World country.
When Obama stomps his foot, a sweatshop closes in Asia, with thousands of children in the streets demanding that the United States send them financial aid, food, and medicine.
When the people learn to vote themselves money from the public trough, Obama will appear.
Obama is not exactly what he seems, nor is he otherwise.
Obama doesn't seek the truth, he puts an end to hurtful opinions.
It takes a wise man to use own words, but an even wiser man to use words spoken by others. And then there's Obama.
The beginner's mind sees many opportunities in America. The expert's mind sees few opportunities. Then there's Obama's mind.
To those who can correctly commiserate with the downtrodden, the whole universe surrenders.
To believe that America has no hope without Obama, and to grieve that it is so difficult to communicate it to Americans - this is the life of Obama.
Only Obama can see real need for change with his third eye that sees everything and yet nothing at the same time.
Obama's economic plan: No taxes, no progress. Little taxes, little progress. Great taxes, great progress.
The fundamental delusion of humanity is to suppose that Obama is not an illusion.
There is no beginning to Obama nor end to Barack; There is no beginning to Barack nor end to Obama.
If you wish for true love, learn to love Obama.
There is nothing that you want that is not change; there is nothing you feel that is not hope.
Obama's message of hope: when you reach rock bottom, start digging.
Big government is like a thousand foot fishing line with a hook, but efficiency is always an inch beyond the hook. Every time you realize this, Obama wants you to believe that the government must grow an inch bigger.
To seek hope for hope's sake is like stepping onto a boat that is about to sail out to sea and sink. But as an inspirational leader with a focus on the community, Barack Obama is not afraid of such challenges - which is a refreshing contrast to the current administration.
When Obama was three years old he rode his bicycle across the street and saw terrible injustices along the way. They made him want to unseat George W. Bush and become the first People's President of the United States.
When Obama was five he fixed Social Security, but George W. Bush broke it again on purpose.
In first grade Obama wrote a school essay on how to help the downtrodden. As soon as George W. Bush heard about it, he ordered to shred Obama's essay into tiny pieces before the downtrodden could read it.
In second grade Obama developed a concrete plan to save the children. When George W. Bush heard about it, he killed the children and exiled Obama's family to Hawaii because Bush hated the children.
George W. Bush deliberately added "Hussein" to Obama's name on all official records, hoping that it would traumatize young Obama psychologically and stigmatize him for life.
When Obama gained control of the Good Forces of the Universe, George W. Bush locked him in a tower with an iron mask over his head to prevent a telepathic contact with the Force. But Bill Ayers received the signal, blew up Bush's tower and liberated Obama.
In college Obama majored in hypnotism and minored in white and black arts. That's why George W. Bush couldn't catch him ever again.
Obama statues decorate all progressive capitals of the world. George W. Bush became jealous and stole one such statue, hoping to melt it and use the metal to make world's strongest cannon to kill women and children. But Obama's statue destroyed the furnace and made its way to freedom. Nobody knows where it is now, but the rumor is that it is fighting for the rights of the downtrodden all over the planet. Al Qaeda wants to capture the statue and turn it into an indestructible suicide bomber. If they ever succeed, it will be George W. Bush's fault.
Obama wrote the United States Constitution that gave all power to the downtrodden, but George W. Bush replaced it with a version that gives all power to corporations.
Bush can't destroy the original Constitution because Obama's handwriting is indestructible. That's why Bush is hiding it in a lead container at the bottom of the Potomac River. If you find and open the container, all power in the land will at once return to the downtrodden.
Obama's bathroom has two toilets. One is made of gold and the other one is made of wood. Obama only uses the wooden toilet out of solidarity with the downtrodden. The sight of the golden toilet helps him to maintain class conscience.
Obama owns an expensive Sleep Number Bed but sleeps on an off-brand mattress in the corner in order to be down with the masses.
When Obama buys caviar he always tries to get the one that is runny and tastes fishy, because that's the kind of caviar that the downtrodden eat.
When Obama's children get sick, he buys them the cheapest generic drugs. It helps him better to commiserate with the downtrodden.
Obama's bank once offered him a low 5.5% mortgage but he refused because he wanted to experience the bitterness the way all other Americans feel it.
Tony Rezko once offered Obama a sweetheart land deal, but Obama said "no" because he wanted his family to stay within the community of which he was the organizer.
Obama once had a chance to save 10% on car insurance by switching to Geico but he said "no" because that would mean a sellout to corporate interests.
Jesse Jackson's nut envy is understandable once you realize
the power and the magnitude of Obama's testicles.
The fact that the former Democratic presidential candidate and civil rights leader Rev. Jesse Jackson wanted to cut out some of Barack Obama's nuts for himself was hardly a surprise to anyone familiar with their miraculous properties. For a long time, people from all cultures of America and beyond have sought to incorporate Obama's nuts into their lives, both as objects of beauty and as tools for the body, mind and spirit.
Every Obama's nut is unique with various properties and characteristics and has the ability to induce hope, as well as store, receive, and transmit energy. Other legendary properties include the ability to attract compassion and understanding of the media, reveal the location of other people's money, ward off unwanted inquiries, and prevent drug overdose.
Despite the common fears, Jackson's plan to collect Obama's nuts wasn't meant to hurt the presidential hopeful - it is a known fact that for every cut out Obama's nut, two more will grow in its place. For every four cut out nuts, eight more will grow, and so on. As of last month, Obama's scrotum resembled a large cluster of table grapes that experts compare to a delicious mix between Fantasy Seedless and Bluebell.
One or two Obama's nuts are occasionally found in shower drains at hotels along his campaign trail. People who find them usually obtain good fortune, boundless wisdom, and total protection from the FBI. Obama's nuts are often worn as amulets, in jewelry, or simply carried loose about the person. They may be whole or ground into powder and used as medicine, especially for expelling infections, viruses, fetuses, and other internal parasites.
As a community member in good standing, Obama frequently donates his nuts to a federal stem cell facility, which he promises to expand into National Center for Mixed Nuts Extraction after he becomes president.
According to Rev. Jessie Jackson's apology and confession, the famed fighter for human rights wanted to redistribute Obama's nuts in the hope they would help him to connect with angels, spirit guides and higher self, as well as gain invisibility. After catching Rev. Jackson red-handed, Obama didn't get mad - but instead, with dignity, he reached into his pants and gave Jackson a handful of random nuts for free. Jessie Jackson hung his head in shame and became invisible. That's why we don't see him much on TV anymore.
Properties of Obama's Nuts Sorted By Type:
Hope Nut: ends wars, establishes peace on earth, helps blondes keep their hair color longer.
Change Nut: helps with spiritual, psychological, and socioeconomic insights.
Audacity Nut: balances aura and enhances the magical properties of other nuts.
Utopia Nut: navigational aid in spiritual journeys, facilitates psychic visions. If used for the common good, gives the power of prophecy
Hegemonut: promotes oneness by eliminating otherness.
Articunut: gives eloquence and self confidence, helps to become clean and articulate.
Amazonut: brings out the inner woman and helps to fight back male oppression.
Shri Nutra: induces mental health and prevents madness
Bija Manutra: feel-good emotions, easy flow of relationships, "seeing" music.
Blue Goldnut: sets one dreaming, reminds that everyone deserves glitter and excitement in life.
Aquamanut: a good luck nut to bring feelings of peace, love, joy, and sex with dolphins.
Meteonut: success stimulator, power action nut. Join with others to realize your full potential (advance career through sex).
Mandanut: enjoy geometric patterns representing the Universe, experience oneness with any individual entity of your choice.
Communut: experience oneness with the community and all major progressive movements.
Rollonut: helps to stay in touch with useful people.
Fossilnut: connect to the past on a personal level and in a cosmic sense.
Limonut: protects limousine liberals from class envy.
Cosmonut: helps to explore un-chartered territory and to develop a map of your own consciousness.
Kryptonut: takes power away from certain opponents of progress.
Hairy Lassie: promotes self-sacrifice and service to the community.
Control Nut: stimulates communication with animals and political opponents.
Denial Nut: blocks negative thoughts and emotions, grounds energy. Prevents bad dreams and thoughtcrime.
Moon Nut: promotes hope and change, unblocks all emotions, but will lose its shine if separated from the owner.
Achilles Nut: the only nut that can be an impediment as it promotes logic, rational thinking, and understanding of objective reality.
In another distraction meant to keep American voters away from the real issues, Fox News channel announced today that the GOP is in possession of a birth certificate proving beyond doubt that Barack Obama's real birthplace is, in fact, planet Lappa IV, located in the Alpha Quadrant and inhabited by a splinter group of the Ferengi species, who have developed a highly collectivist culture based on the principles of socialist acquisition and redistribution of wealth.
According to conservative commentators, the Democrat presidential hopeful's home planet is governed by the Central Planning Committee made primarily of the State Board of Expropriators and Liquidators, who offer prayers and sacrificial offerings to a Blessed Taxperson in hopes of entering the Divine Pork Barrel upon death, and fear an afterlife spent in a Subsidized Housing For the Common Good they legislated and financed with public money.
This explains Barack Obama campaign's earlier secrecy over his birth site, especially if we consider the outdated constitutional requirement that presidents must be "natural-born" U.S. citizens.
Looking back, one can only wonder at the mainstream media's unblinking acceptance of Obama as a 100% Earthling, despite even such obvious clues as his big earlobes, a supernatural fundraising ability, and his campaign logo that resembles the emblem of the Ferengi Alliance.
Other early warning signs included Obama's ties to such known Ferengis as Rezko and Khalidi, his clearly alien speech patterns and intonation, as well as his extraterrestrial campaign slogans referencing some mysterious "hope and change" and "yes we can," which is the official motto of the State Board of Expropriators and Liquidators in Obama's homeworld. But perhaps the biggest giveaway was a glaring lack of understanding of human customs and values by both Barack Obama and his Klingon wife Michelle.
James Carville: "Don't let the rumor about Obama being a space alien distract earthlings from the real issues, such as, how to accumulate all power in the hands of the Democrats."
The news poses a major challenge to John McCain, who, according to his aid, refuses to listen, let alone react to the fact that Obama is a creature from another planet. "Senator McCain has pledged to wage a clean and positive presidential campaign, and any reference to his opponent as a space alien will look as if he is breaking that promise," the aid said. "We've been walking on eggshells like a bunch of neurotics before, and now we also have to avoid mentioning space aliens? What do I care if some nutcase from Obama's homeworld calls McCain a native speciist? I'm this close to quitting, and so are half of the people I know in McCain's staff."
A DNC spokesperson welcomed the news today, saying that anyone from a planet governed by the Rules of Socialist Acquisition is better than a Republican candidate, and that this minor anecdote shouldn't distract the voters from the real issues. Stroking his oversized earlobe, the DNC spokesperson expressed his belief that Barack Obama's ascension as a leader of Earth will bring a real change to the overly individualistic planet, improve the Earth's reputation in the Galaxy, and increase the planet's chances of joining the Ferengi Alliance.
The Lappian Rules of Socialist Acquisition are similar to the Ferengi Rules of Acquisition, but are more focused on sacred collectivist rules of behavior, which, combined with the entrepreneurial spirit of the Ferengi species, uniquely qualifies them to handle Democrat Party fundraisers.
Although the history of Lappian presence on Earth is unclear, it is known that Lappian children are required to memorize Rules of Socialist Acquisition as part of their general education to become consummate Democrat Party operatives, strategists, and consultants. It is said that the earliest Rule of Socialist Acquisition was penned by Karl Marx, who was also a Ferengi from Lappa IV.
The Rules of Socialist Acquisition
(a representative sample)
To each according to his ability to work the system.
Compassion without coercion is useless.
Never ask when you can use the government to take.
The vast majority of the rich in this galaxy are undertaxed.
All we want is what's yours.
Monopoly is evil unless the government runs it.
Class envy makes a good running mate.
If a government program fails, repeat.
Every rake deserves to be stepped on twice.
It is critical that the expected "returns" on any "investment" are never defined.
Never feed the hungry on an empty stomach.
Always know who you're buying.
Exclusive knowledge is power.
Never be afraid to mislabel an opponent.
Be clean, articulate, and non-threatening.
When in doubt, throw a friend under the bus.
Never allow others' self-interest to stand in the way of your common good.
A liberal without guilt is no liberal at all.
When someone says, "I'm not a racist," he's lying.
A dead vote is just as good as a live one.
A good vote is worth casting twice.
Actual progress is not guaranteed.
Small print is the best invention since snake oil.
Entitlements and handouts will always overcome freedom and opportunity.
Integrity is no substitute for campaign cash.
A friend in need is a potential donor and land deal partner.
Never confuse powerful financial backers with luck.
Make sure your campaign cash doesn't cost you more than it is really worth.
Beware of relatives giving speeches.
There's nothing more dangerous than an honest political adviser.
The most beautiful thing about the environment is that you can turn it into an election issue.
Citing Global Warming yields more cash than pointing a gun.
Always trust a person wearing a suit better than your own.
Moral choice is a complex personal issue that is better defined by focus groups.
Morality has limits. Moral relativism has none.
Never make fun of a Democrat candidate's family. Insult something he cares about instead.
Be careful what you legislate. It may do exactly what Rush Limbaugh says it would.
Compromise means the absence of opposition to Democrats.
War is good for political activism.
People could afford housing and healthcare without the government - if it weren't for the government.
Talk is cheap. Heap it generously on the public.
There isn't a gaffe by a Democrat politician that the media won't overlook.
Never argue with a loaded Kennedy.
Labor camps are full of people who opposed someone's beautiful dream.
Entitlement is the easiest way to enslave a population.
Democracy has limits. Dictatorship has none.
Saying stupid things is often smart.
Never cross Michelle Obama.
Never let the electorate know what you're thinking.
Never admit anything that can't be later blamed on Republicans.
Only the Democrats could screw up New Orleans so badly and keep getting elected.
Knowledge is bliss, ignorance is power.
Give someone a fish, you feed him for one day. Teach him how to fish, and you lose a Democrat voter.
Pursue social justice; money and power will come later.
All voters are suckers.
Every once in a while offer a compromise; it confuses the hell out of Republicans.
There is no substitute for an unnecessary government program.
Never do something that the government can do for you.
Never spend your own money when you can spend the government's.
Money taken as profit is immoral; money taken by government is the highest form of Lightworking.
If it can get you elected, say it!
Only fools say what they believe.
Faith moves mountains of "Obama" memorabilia.
Poverty is no crime. Better yet, it's an excellent source of votes for the Democrat party.
Even in the worst of times, someone always gets elected.
Never snort cocaine and have sex in a limo with a homosexual drug user named Larry Sinclair.
Oil is a stolen product.
Practice saying it in front of the mirror: "This isn't the Almighty God that I know."
Law makes everyone equal, but presidential pardons go to the highest bidder.
There's nothing wrong with big business as long as they donate to anti-business causes.
Never buy votes if ACORN can fix it for nothing.
Friends and family are the rungs on the ladder of success - don't hesitate to step on them.
Badgered by critics whining about his unwillingness to take a clearly defined stance on issues, Barack Obama has released the following document, which explains his position on several important matters. We hope this clears things up.